It would be lovely to be the sort of person who doesn’t give a toss about what other people think. Occasionally, I’ve met individuals who have such self-assurance that they exude it like a strong scent - some are wise, some are arrogant, some are full-blown loons.
I’m not sure that insecurity improves with age, though as I’ve got older I care less about other people’s opinions of my appearance - a source of some angst in my younger days. Now, I’m clear that if someone finds my outside offensive, they should look away.
Still, I care more than I want to whether people I like or respect think I’m one of the good guys - hard-working, kind and skilled at what I do. I try not to be a dick but don’t always succeed. That said, I’m not so bothered about whether I’m thought of as “nice” - I’ve met some nice people who I don’t consider to be such good guys and some good people that I don’t really like. Nice and good are poles apart. I mean, Ivanka Trump seems nice…
A desire to be accepted isn’t an unusual insecurity but I have one area in which it manifests in a borderline-compulsive manner: writing emails. I can have relaxed professional conversations on Twitter or Facebook with people I don’t really know, but as soon as I have to communicate (sometimes with those same people) via email, my nerves start jangling.
I check the few pained sentences I’ve constructed a dozen times. I then procrastinate by scanning the news or going for a quick wee before returning to the email. I read it through a couple more times, my face starts to flush with unfathomable anxiety. I become aware of my own breathing as I press “send”. Sometimes I’ll even go to the “sent” folder and read it through again, just to taunt myself with any typo I might spot.
The only other people I’m aware of who suffer this very specific communicative concern reside in the same Venn diagram intersection as me: both are teachers, both are professional writers and both have strong opinions. Is this a coincidence?
I wonder if this mildly obsessive behaviour actually has little to do with the need for acceptance or fear of saying the wrong thing, and far more to do with writing for an audience.
Wherever I write, I have a broad understanding of who the audience is. But with email, the audience that the communication is intended for could change without my knowledge or control. Who hasn’t experienced irritation when a conversation of assumed confidentiality pings back with a village copied in?
Years ago, I was secretly advised to follow up any discussion with a particular colleague with an email beginning “following our conversation” and state exactly what we had agreed. I later learned that the warning was valid and she would indeed say and do anything to look good in front of her boss. On those occasions, emails were an insurance policy, a paper(less) trail of evidence.
Maybe it’s wise to use the same restraint when emailing that you’d use on social media. Write as though the world is reading. You never know.
Sarah Simons works in colleges in the East Midlands, and is the director of UKFEchat
