Until March this year, I thought that a Zoom was an ice lolly or an example of onomatopoeia. The lockdown taught me that, instead, it was life itself.
I exaggerate. But I really did have no idea that it was a video-conferencing app before the coronavirus struck, and, for teachers, the summer term really did become a blur of Zoom meetings. Teachers would do them for work, then do them for social events in the evening. It became the norm, so much so that they were surely half-expecting real life to be able to mute itself, or it all to be shot from an angle slightly below chest height.
And it will have a long-lasting impact, this Zoomification of life, now that we are back in the physical world of the school. Because, reader, we have been habituated. We now do things automatically in meetings that we did not do before.
Who hasn’t tuned out of an irrelevant part of a meeting and got on with some pressing work? Or muted themselves and turned the camera off and made a quick snack?
Going back to regular meetings is going to be a shock to the system. So, what can you do if you find yourself inadvertently slipping into your lockdown ways?
The habit: Waving goodbye to everyone at the end of a meeting, as though you are auditioning to be a CBeebies presenter.
The solution: If you catch your hand rising into a wave, you could go for the classic option of pretending to swot a fly, or you could announce that you’ve got stiff wrists and you just need to get the blood flowing. Or you could just go with it and see who waves back. Schools love fads - this can be the new one. Start waving at the end of lessons. The kids will love it.
The habit: You start rearranging the lighting and moving your position around the room, until you feel satisfied that you’ve knocked five years off your face.
The solution: Just tell anyone who asks that you’re doing a science experiment involving the electromagnetic spectrum and visible light with Year 7 tomorrow. If they point out that you teach PE, ask them if they’ve ever heard of cross-curricular learning. Duh.
The habit: The meeting momentarily becomes irrelevant to you and you start getting on with your actual work.
The solution: Just pretend you’re making notes, of course - which is easier if you have a laptop. Don’t forget to occasionally look up, frown slightly (to look thoughtful, not like you’re starting something), nod and make a kind of contemplative “hmmmm” noise.
The habit: You’re wearing pyjama bottoms, paired with a smart work shirt.
The solution: This can’t happen, can it? But then, what a ride it’s been for the past few months. It probably can happen. However, if you have genuinely left the house like this, then you probably need to go home and have a lie-down: the chances are, things have become a bit much for you.
Gemma Corby is a Sendco and freelance writer
This article originally appeared in the 11 September 2020 issue under the headline “Forget Zoom, you’re back in the room”
