“She’s OK as a teacher, but I wish Mrs Shrub would stop using ‘I’m like’ all the time. She’s just not cool enough to be talking like that.”
This is just one of the many harsh-but-incisive comments I overhear about teachers and their ways thanks to my other career as a parent taxi driver. It may feel like a chore at times but the regular chauffeuring of our children and their friends is definitely part of continuing professional development.
My passengers do not attend my own school, so neither side holds back when they talk about their teachers. They usually forget I am even there.
Apparently, Mrs Shrub’s other futile way of trying to get “down with the kids” is her fashionably incredulous “Rear-leee?”
Her most heinous crime is when she uses both her adopted phrases at once: “I’m like, ‘rear-leee?’”
After driving four hysterical girls back from a party, all competing for the best Mrs Shrub impersonation, I vowed never to go down such a path. Young or genuinely cool teachers may get away with it, but the rest of us need to, er, “butt out”.
The backseat critics have a similar view on teachers’ new beards: right for some teachers, not for others. On some, the new growth looks “completely natural” - in keeping with their personality and often adding an additional aura of authority. On other male teachers, however, a beard “just looks ridiculous” and creates a major barrier to learning. It would be wrong for teachers’ shaving decisions to be entirely shaped by the irrational and immature feelings of students, but they might at least want to take it into account.
‘Hopeless attempts at sarcasm’
Mr Elderflower’s main failing is, I hear, his “hopeless attempts at sarcasm”. Like many teachers, Mr Elderflower has also opted for a transatlantic delivery style, punctuating lessons with statements such as, “Hey guys, here’s the moment you’ve been waiting for: homework! Yeah, I know, bit of a drag but let’s run with it.” “Please just tell us what it is!” is the plea from the seats.
They also mention “referee” teachers like Mrs Ragwort, who make a wrong disciplinary decision but stick to it. Members of the class will insist that Eric was the offender, not Harry, but Harry is still convicted and sent to face the wrath of senior staff. They really dislike the “wrong but looking strong” approach.
The backseat critics sound brutal, yet they are also very appreciative of their teachers, too. My key lesson from them is the very fine line between success and disaster. They relish a teacher who displays love and enthusiasm for the subject - but less so if the teacher is also displaying an ill-chosen beard. They respond well to teachers who use wit and humour, provided they are not using “rear-leee”, “poor sarcasm”, nor “trying to sound too American”. They also like teachers to be strong, but not strong and wrong.
So there we are - it’s all quite simple really. “Rear-lee?”, I hear you ask.
Yes, rear-lee. Keep your behaviour management consistent but not inflexible, don’t try to use language associated with young people, and don’t, don’t, don’t, whatever you do, grow a beard.
Stephen Petty is the head of humanities at Lord Williams’s School in Thame, Oxfordshire
