This Halloween, forget the Grim Reaper, forget zombies - you can even forget the spectre of Ofsted. There are far more terrifying things lurking in wait for teachers:

Wind

Mother nature, why do you forsake me? Wind sends otherwise amenable children into a frenzy. They appear in your lesson like a crowd of ravenous and hungry animals.

Photocopiers

At the precise moment you need to copy something vital, the machine breaks. Your observation approaches. You look up at the sky and ask the photocopier gods to change the toner.

Work scrutiny

You desperately avoid written work because there will be less to sticker and cover in pen.

Wasps

A single wasp appears. Students stand up, screaming, and run for the doors. Other children laugh hysterically - it all happens in slow motion for you, flashing before your eyes like a highlight reel of your darkest teacher moments. You’ve lost control because of a yellow and black fly.

The lunch queue

“Sir, he’s pushing me!” times 20. “Go to the back!” you shout.

Clicky pens

You are explaining something in class and, in the background, you hear the constant clicking of a pen. With every passing moment, you get closer and closer to completely losing the plot until you decide to have a huge rant about clicky pens that will go down in school folklore as “the pen rant”.

Glue sticks with no lids

Pristine, unsullied glue sticks are like gold dust. You look forward to the next set of new ones appearing...probably sometime in 2020.

Emails

Just emails. Damn you, Tim Berners-Lee.

The fart

You’ve just finished a serious whole class dressing down, finishing with a poignant moral message and then a classical slapstick fart cuts through the room like a sword.

Chewing gum

“Are you chewing?”

“No.”

Five minutes later...

“You are chewing.”

“I’m not.”

“Open your mouth.”

*Opens to show no gum.*

Repeat cycle until losing the will to live.

Tom Rogers is a teacher who runs rogershistory.com and tweets @RogersHistory