Dear Governor, I am aware that many of the governing body have been surprised at the great leap forward that the school has taken this year in the league tables, etc. I am also aware there have been slanderous suggestions that I have submitted false figures that cannot be justified to the Department for Education and Employment and the media.

I am therefore writing this report on the outstanding efforts, initiatives and determination of the whole staff which, coupled with parental co-operation, have led to Micklemuck School being a beacon of educational and sporting achievement in 1995.

Truancy league tables

Percentage of unofficial absences: 0 (82 in 1994)

In previous years, it has proved difficult to find out why boys were not at school. Thus, to assist homeschool communication, all parents signed 30 blank pro formae at the beginning of the year, as follows: “I know that the law says that if my kid does a runner and doesn’t turn up at school, I can be finedrun through the courtlocked uptransported and generally mucked about.

“When my kid wasn’t in on............ (dates) he was sick and there’s the honest truth.

Signed ............”

These are now kept in the school office and filled in as needed. We have no truants whatsoever, at all, and I can prove it.

Exam league tables

Percentage of children in GCSE year gaining 5 A-C grades: 100(0 in 1994).

Real effort has gone into this achievement. At the beginning of the calendar year, just before the annual age return (Form 7) was sent to the DFEE, we had a free draw for a bottle of whisky for parents of boys in the GCSE year. All parents had to do was to put their son’s name on a form and sign it. The form said: “I’ve just realised I’ve made a silly mistake. .......... (name) wasn’t born in the year I said. It was a year later.

Signed ............”

So we were able to inform the DFEE that we had no one in the GCSE age group except that new boy from abroad, Hans Smartipantz. Then we took him out of classes and coached him like mad and he got 5 C grades. Hence, 100 per cent with 5 A-C grades at GCSE, top of the local and national tables and winners of the Dearing Cup for the most improved school in the UK.

(No one won the draw, so we drank the whisky at break.) Mr Major’s Team Games Initiative

Governors will be pleased that the school is ahead of the field here in that all boys now have one hour of team sport each day.

This has been achieved by timetabling a half-hour religious assembly and half an hour of sex education daily. (The standing advisory council on religious education and the Health Education Council have been really pleased at this forward-looking initiative and have sent letters of congratulations. )All parents were then told to exercise their legal rights to withdraw their children from both, which freed up the hour for sport.

Governors will now understand why I took on Fred (Ee Aye Addio) Nutter, ex-Balls Pond United and “Whizz-kid of the professional foul” (The Sun) as head of sex and RE. He gets on well with the boys, has no discipline problems whatsoever and we’ve picked up all the area soccer cups.

We won through most rounds easily as a number of schools refused to go on the same pitch as our lads, which just goes to show they are not taking Mr Major’s initiative seriously.

Governors will also be pleased that Mr Nutter has reformed the defunct Parents’ Association under the new name “The Micklemuck Tartan Army” (Ra Ra!). They are very active, meet weekly for a liquid lunch on match days at The Genghis Arms and give great support to our lads from the touchline. Some of them even join in.

Conclusion

Mr Nutter has done so well, I propose he is promoted to deputy head (top of scale) and I’ve told him so. I reckon you will probably want to put me up to the top of the scale too after all these efforts. By chance, Mr Nutter tells me he is having a parents’ self-defence karate training session at school on the same evening as the governors’ meeting when you are deciding about pay. If there are any problems, he can bring them along to help you come to a proper and just decision.

R Glewpot Headmaster

This report fell out of a Christmas card from Andrew MacTavish, headteacher of John Hampden grammar school, High Wycombe, Bucks