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Clubbed to death

Schools are once again avidly collecting wrappers from Club chocolate biscuits which can be exchanged for musical instruments. Is this the kind of newsletter we can soon expect to see from them?

Dear Parent, I write to advise you of the school's progress in achieving its target of 250,000 wrappers which will enable us to equip a full-size brass band. Having now passed the 10,000 mark, it seems an appropriate time to tell you of the many successes of our wrapper campaign.

The sponsored biscuit-eating competition, which operated under the "Stuff a Club for your grub" title, was a great success. I am pleased to report that Emily Steven, who succumbed to acute abdominal pains and projectile vomiting during the evening, has been diagnosed as suffering no more than a severe stomach upset. Congratulations to Emily for eating the winning total of 32 Club biscuits in one hour - and adding the same number to our biscuit wrapper total. We hope she will be back at school soon.

Choosing a winner for our Make a Complete Meal from Club biscuits competition was difficult. The eventual victor was Rebecca Brown with her Prawn Choctail, Duck in Plain Club sauce and Chocolate Club Mousse. Copies of her winning recipes are now available from the school office - in exchange for six Club biscuit wrappers.

We are now looking at the use of Club biscuits as a health and beauty product. One suggestion was that they could be added to bath water as a moisturiser - but do beware of blocked drains. I hope that all parents have also noted the safety information which has been passed to them on the use of face masks and facial scrubs using Club biscuits. It is essential that a chocolate-based mask is applied at modest temperature. The latest news on Mrs Stewart is that the loss of her eyebrows may not be permanent after all.

Our goal is another 240,000 wrappers. We must now redouble our efforts. These wrappers await us in our community. If we reach our target, future school historians will surely say this was our finest hour.

Ally Budge is a primary teacher in Caithness

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