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With university entrance standards now appearing to include full student background, we are indebted to colleagues on The Times Higher diary for an insight into the merits of various Scottish institutions.

In answer to the question, how many students does it take to change a light bulb, an official at St Andrews ventured: "Three - one to call the butler and two to arrange a tailor in Rome to design and make new suits for the special occasion.

"If a light bulb in a major building blows, the number increases to 27, to allow for a brass band playing the Last Post and five Sun reporters. The following day, the Sun will contain a story along the lines of 'Will's pals in blown bulb horror'."

Among other submissions was apparently one from Glasgow. The reply to the question is rather obvious: "Who the **** wants to know?"

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