Now this is quite something. What a PR coup: Terminator turns teacher.

Well, it’s not quite like that. Big Arnie starts off as a tough, unshaven cop called John Kimble who goes undercover as the world’s least convincing kindergarten teacher (but who, strangely, keeps his own name so it’s really easy for the villains to recognise him).

Sounds as if this particular teacher needs a few lessons himself.

Bizarrely, after a day of running around screaming: “Aagh they’re horrible!” Kimble gains complete control over these 30 unruly, incontinent infants simply by using his police whistle.

Just that?

Yep. One day he’s complaining: “They’re pushing me around.” The next day the kids adore him and are lining up in twos.

How come?

It’s very simple really. Joyce, Kimble’s police partner, points out to him that his class know he’s scared. “Kindergarten is like the ocean. You don’t want to turn your back on it.” So Kimble conquers his fear and kicks underage ass: “You kids are soft!” he yells. “You lack discipline. It’s time to turn this mush into muscle.”

And that works?

Oh yes. The next thing we know Kimble is marching his charges around with a big stupid smile on his face and telling everyone: “Now ve’re having fun.”

He’s also beating up abusive parents and toting a revolver that he stuffs down his sock for emergencies.

What do the other teachers think of these unorthodox teaching methods?

Miss Schowski, head of Astoria Elementary, tells Kimble he’s a natural teacher and asks him to stay on.

And the parents?

“A male kindergarten teacher?” says one Mom. “Obviously he’s gay.” The rest give him a standing ovation just for teaching his class the Gettysburg Address.

If school is this easy in America I’m emigrating!

Hold on, this is fantasy. Not only is it wholly incredible that Killer Kimble would do anything but traumatise his class of seven-year-olds, but is it really likely that the woman who teaches in the room opposite is going to be blonde, beautiful and available? Or that her son will decide he wants this German-sounding mayhem machine to become his new step-daddy?

No. Still, it must be fun beating up horrid parents That’s what Miss Schowski tells Kimble And does he really stay on at Astoria Elementary?

As the man always says: “I’ll be back.”

Adrian Mourby