Hopefully, the first time you meet your pupils’ mums and dads it won’t be as traumatic as that poor schmuck’s encounter with Robert De Niro, the grandmother’s ashes and the cat. (Sit down to Meet the Parents with a tub of ice cream if you’re not following me: you obviously need a night off!) You’ll be pleased to discover that most parents are, in fact, ordinary people, not ex-CIA operatives. That said, first contact is important and should be handled with care.

Most parents’ nights work to an appointments system but it isn’t always possible to stick exactly to the times on your sheet. That’s because parents get held up with other teachers and you yourself might spend slightly longer going over one child’s progress than you had anticipated.

All you can do is try to stay on schedule and if you do keep someone waiting, apologise and then take your time with them.

As with reporting, preparation is key. Although you won’t have to, you should be able to comment on attendance, progress, effort, homework, behaviour, level of attainment, general attitude and development needs.

Obviously in a five-minute slot, you’re not going to want to discuss all of these. So for each child, decide on the one essential thing you really want to get across to the parents, what it is they need to hear about.

Nothing you say should be a surprise. If a pupil is a delight to teach, he or she should have been going home with positive written feedback in jotters or with good work certificates. If a pupil’s behaviour or lack of effort is a cause for concern, the parents should have been notified via homework letters, detention slips, telephone calls from guidance and so on.

You will already have written class reports and as a general rule, your comments at parents’ night should be very similar to the ones you prepared in these reports. It is a good idea to have them there in front of you so that you can refer to them while discussing an individual’s progress.

Most parents are pleasant and supportive and might even find parents’ evenings a bit intimidating, so do your best to put them at ease.

However, you may also encounter a select few over the years who fall into one of the following five categories: l The Bolshie League, who have bad memories of their own schooling and are not about to let you put them down. Show them you are different and you will soon win them round.

* The It’s My Life Brigade: “I think Toby’s problems go back to when I was nine I” Smile and keep bringing the discussion back to the present day.

* The Blame Gamers, who will attack the system as a way of defending their child’s shortcomings. This stems from fear and insecurity. Be polite but firm.

* The Teacher Worshippers: the “Stand up, child, your teacher’s passing” scenario. Be humble.

* The Political Animals, who know a little about McCrone and a lot about the education system in Scandinavia. Just bow to their knowledge.

Meeting the parents provides a great opportunity for improving your understanding of your pupils as you are reminded that each has background stories. Your relationship with their mums and dads may last several years. If you use this to your advantage, then everyone wins.

A final thought: no garlic for you on parents’ night but do have a bottle of water or some mints handy.

Diane Allison teaches in Midlothian and is author of The Year of Living Dangerously: A Survival Guide for Probationer Teachers (Edinburgh Council, pound;4.99)