1. School told to accept demon-possessed child

“The headmaster complained they could not cater for the specific needs of satanic pupils or get the bed she was tied to through classroom doors.”

2. Inspectors slam first Jedi faith school

“Very few pupils are staying on in the Upper Sith.”

3. School to be allowed to advertise on children

“Children are having popular brand names tattooed on their foreheads, which is bringing in much-needed revenue for the cash-strapped school.”

4. Non-wizards offered Hogwarts in school admissions row

“Schools Secretary Ed Balls says: ‘Parents should keep an open mind about city academies that specialise in magic.’”

5. Father of child prodigy admits his son ‘probably deserves to be bullied’

“He’s a patronising little git at times, to be honest.”

Taken from the satirical website News Biscuit http:newsbiscuit.com

Email meabh.ritchie@tes.co.uk with suggestions for this column.