If I should ever ... please kill me

Ask for a trouser press as a present...Vote Conservative...Say, “That was a good PowerPoint.” Any other offers?

magic surf bus

Grow a moustache...Fart in front of my class...Start fancying the headteacher.

lardylady

Buy another beige-coloured bra.

Dunteachin

Buy another beige coloured bra.

SleighBelle

Buy another beige-coloured bra.

TheoGriff

Stop thinking the assistant headteacher is an enormous boil on the arse of humanity...Mark in green for the sake of their precious minds rather than because it was the nearest pen.

Sleepyhead

Read Jordan’s autobiography!...Give in to the urge to wear leggings (I am plumptious and over 50).

LaureRichis

If I come out of a meeting and say, “That was useful!”...Or if I volunteer for extra unpaid responsibility “for the experience to advance my career”.

kittylion

Have a child and talk about it ALL the time, with such grand achievements as sleeping five hours straight and swallowing food... Watch soaps...Call my partner “Babe” in anything other than a horribly sarcastic voice.

veni_vidi

Get married again...Allow myself ever again to hate someone so much it consumes my life...Forget how great my job is and how lucky I am to have it.

ilovesooty

Agree with my boss about anything remotely connected to education.

sparkleghirl

Join the debate at www.tes.co.ukforums.