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Friday Five: Things you'll never hear a teacher say

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Teachers are some of the most passionate and dedicated professionals in the world, but pigs will be flying before you hear one of them uttering any of the following phrases. Even after a glass of wine.

  1. "A class of 33 is just not big enough! I spend an equal amount of time supporting each and every student in each and every lesson. I have a superb teaching assistant but, if I’m honest, the kids are getting way too much individual attention now."

    Workload crisis
  2. "Tests and examinations are the best and only way of monitoring a child’s progress. It’s a well-known fact that all pupils perform best while completing a lengthy written paper under silent and highly pressurised conditions. And I have no interest at all in whether or not they’re becoming decent, well-rounded members of society. It’s all about the grades…"

    Grades are everything
  3. ​"Performance-related pay has really motivated me to ensure that my students get good grades. Forget the kids, forget the love of learning and my subject. It’s money that makes the world go round. Why do you think I got into this profession in the first place?"

    Show me the money
  4. "I love the anticipation of an upcoming Ofsted visit. It’s a great opportunity for us to show the inspectors how we teach on a day-to-day basis. The rest of the staff is buzzing with excitement and I really don’t mind the extra paperwork. I mean, what do you think lunchtime is for?!"

    Ofsted survival
  5. "There’s no workload crisis! I have a full and active social life. If I’m not at my twice-weekly boxercise class, then you can probably find me life drawing at the community centre. And I’m never too tired for a drink after work on Friday. What shall I do with all my free time this weekend?!"

    Workload crisis

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