1 Compare and contrast the stupendous achievements of the following educational giants: (a) Kenneth Baker (b) Kenneth Clarke (c) Basil Fawlty (d) Daffy Duck. Say which two should be sanctified.

2 Your school is housed in a clapped-out, leaky building and your science lab only has three magnets, two magnifying glasses and a one metre ruler in its stock room. Write a description, in fluent Estate Agent Speak, telling prospective parents what a wonderfully equipped palace the school is.

3 Choose one from the following list of classics: War and Peace (Tolstoy), Pride and Prejudice (Austen), Great Expectations (Dickens), Choice and Diversity (Patten).

Compare the classic you have selected with your school development plan, stating which is the greater work of fiction.

4 You are able to appoint two deputy heads. Describe which of the following major areas of senior management responsibility you would assign to each one: (a) curriculum; (b) pastoral care; (c) picking up litter; (d) all the crappy jobs I don’t want to do.

5 A local pork pie manufacturer offers your school a generous amount of cash sponsorship, provided you will promote his products. Either (a) map out an interdisciplinary project entitled “Pork pies across the curriculum”, or (b) design a pork pie-shaped gymnasium.

6 You have to make several teachers redundant. Explain and justify the major principles on which you would base your decisions, choosing one of the following criteria: (a) incompetence (sack the least skilful teachers); (b) salary cost (get rid of the most expensive staff); (c) settle old scores (see off the buggers you can’t stand any more).

7 Practical test: Take the sow’s ear provided in the plastic bag. Turn it into a silk purse (at zero cost).

8 “Barmy Army” index. Please tick one of the following. I am: (a) entirely sane, therefore ineligible for the award; (b) slightly eccentric, but could become barmy should the need arise; (c) a petunia. Dooby dooby doo. Send me my badge.