On the first day of our Office for Standards in Education inspection last week, I unwrapped a surprise gift from my daughter. Inside was a box containing the complete OFSTED survival kit. Not only was it good to know someone was thinking of me at a time of stress, it must have worked because we have been promised an excellent report.
The complete OFSTED survival kit includes:
* clean handkerchief (when your embarrassment is too great);
* pencil case (when none of your pens are working);
* toy trumpet (who else will blow the head's?);
* Mars bar (to keep the energy levels boosted);
* bubble mixture (for a little light relief);
* key ring (a talking point when words fail);
* tin of five chocolate bars (a treat a day);
* silver coins (for a little bribery and corruption);
* Rennie tablets (when your stomach is joining in the conversation);
* matches (for a few bright sparks);
* pocket solitaire (to while away those anxious moments)
* plasters (to gain a little extra sympathy)
* notebook (to record all those good things they said);
* pair of spectacles (to enable you to view things through rose-coloured glasses);
* storybook (a little relaxing reading);
* ball of string (for tying up unruly pupils, teachers and inspectors)
* bottle of whisky (for medicinal purposes, of course);
* plastic tumbler (for when you're drinking apple juice);
* marbles (to replace any that get lost);
* toy shark (named OFSTED; will bite if not properly attended to).
DAVID GOWER Headteacher, Kingsway High School, Kingsway, Newton, Chester, Cheshire.