Super Christmas gifts

For her: Fan-test-ic She will love this comprehensive kit for setting up an examination syndicate just for her school. Forget terminal anxiety about Sats or GCSEs. Fan-test-ic Plc offers her a unique opportunity to establish her very own Government-approved private test company and exam board, give her pupils whatever grades she likes, be top of every league table.

“I used to waste all my evenings and class-time preparing my seven-year-olds for Sats, but now they all get national curriculum level 8.

Thank you, thank you, Fan-test-ic.”

Elspeth Scattergood Swineshire Infants’ School Set of 30 test papers, pound;100; set of 30 perfectly completed pupil-answer books, in different handwriting, pound;300; impressive-looking gilt chief examiner’s badge, pound;500.

For him: Ofsted sabotage kit Has your man been told that his upcoming Ofsted inspection team is notorious for failing schools in challenging areas? Make his life bliss with this fully comprehensive sabotage kit, specially designed for teachers by trained SAS personnel, used to working behind enemy lines. Large selection of highly effective devices for wrecking any nasty Ofsted team.

lExploding pen, pours ink all over reports, pound;9.99.

lWhoopee cushions, hilarious when slipped under inspector as he is about to deliver his verdict, pound;12.99, (de-luxe version with especially vulgar rasping sound, pound;19.99).

“Our hearts sank when we heard we had got the notorious Failthebuggers inspection team. They told us we were going to be put into special measures before they had even started, but by Tuesday lunchtime they were running out of the gate.”

Albert Figgis Head, Bogstandard Comp Full catalogue from Dummies Unlimited Plc.

For the kids: Inflatable lookalike Based on the story of the prisoners of war who made a lifesize dummy, so one of their number could escape undetected, this fully inflatable pupil can be propped up in school while the real kid plays truant. Pupil gets a day off school, teacher has a smaller class, school protects attendance record, happiness all round.

Available in male and female form for three age groups.

lFive to seven-year-old version pound;49.99 (extra scab-picking option add pound;20).

lSeven to 11 model, pound;59.99 (plus pound;15 for de-luxe version with identical head and hair for boys and girls, giving additional realism).

lSecondary model, pound;79.99, plus pound;25 for authentic monosyllabic grunt in mixed treblebaritone voice (boy version), or mirror and comb permanently attached to left and right hand (girl version).

Donkey Exciting game for all ages. Teachers line up at the front of the hall in assembly, while pupils are blindfolded. One by one children stagger up and pin a donkey’s tail on the first teacher they bump into. Everyone then shouts “Donkey!”. The game is over when 70 per cent of teachers have been made into donkeys.

The remaining 30 per cent are then given the next increment on the upper pay scale, while the donkeys have to grin and bear it. Solves all performance-management problems, as there are no forms to fill in and the head can blame the kids when teachers complain about not getting a bonus.

Number Ten Initiatives Factory: only pound;99.

FILMS ON TELEVISION

Carry on failing Another piece of hysterical slapstick from the Carry On team. Headteacher Hattie Tickbox is brought in to get Crapville College out of special measures.

Government officials Sid Wheeze and Ken Brainwash are determined to stop her, so they conspire with Slugg, the college butler, to make sure the school fails again.

Hattie Tickbox

Hattie Jacques

Sid Wheeze

Sid James

Ken Brainwash

Kenneth Williams

Slugg, the butler

Chris Woodhead

CHRISTMAS CRACKER

Why not visit the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority schemes of work website on Christmas day? Thousands do.

Here is just one of the new features to be found on it:

Gerbils across the curriculum How to get the best out of your class’s pet hamster or gerbil. Turn it loose and find it again (geography). Teach it to squeak “Land of Hope and Glory” in perfect rhythm (music). Rename it Einstein (science). Make it do the shopping for local pensioners (citizenship). Build it a new cage with an en suite toilet (design and technology).