The school assembly is a regular period in the timetable during which children and staff gather together and engage in an educational and moral learning experience, as well as recognising the personal and academic achievements of the children.

To the newly qualified teacher the assembly can present certain problems. Each school has its own ethos and ways of doing things. Simply leading a class into the hall can be a headache. In a way it is a statement of a teacher’s authority. Some teachers lead their class in like a sergeant major with each child marching in single file behind, while others may take a more laid-back approach - herding them in - which can occasion scenes reminiscent of One Man and his Dog as the teacher tries to bring in any stragglers. Ideally, children should enter sensibly in single file without talking and sit quietly. You should find out in advance if there is a certain place where each class should sit.

When the children have settled down you should find a seat, usually next to your class. It is at this point of the assembly that you can be at your most vulnerable. Primary children usually sit cross-legged, with teachers next to them sitting on chairs. It is the ideal opportunity for some child to notice and pass comment on those ridiculous Mr Blobby socks your granny bought you for Christmas.

It is also a time when you cannot “get at” anyone chattering or thumping the child in front. Such children always seem to be right in the middle of a line. The experienced teacher seems to develop an amazingly powerful stare which could stop a herd of charging wildebeest in its tracks, never mind a naughty eight-year-old. This lazer-beam look does not, however, come easily and few can really master it. I tried, but ended up looking like a poor impersonation of Marty Feldman. Sometimes a glare is not enough and you have to move in and, without making a fuss, remove the child and have them sit next to you. Again, it is always best to follow the example of other, experienced, members of staff rather than wade in and remove someone who is simply not paying attention.

It is usual for the head teacher or deputy to take the assembly, and he or she may take the opportunity to tell a meaningful story or parable. Now you may not find the Good Samaritan story particularly enthralling but you should set an example to the children and at least appear interested. It’s no use lounging in your chair and inspecting your fingernails and then getting upset when some of your class don’t appear to be listening either. Also, some heads have been known to aim pointed questions at the staff as well as the children; so be on your guard and don’t go for a little snooze in the corner.

Most assemblies adopt a spiritual, religious tone and this can involve the singing of hymns. Now if you enjoy singing this is no trouble at all and you will be much admired by one and all. If, however, you are like me and cannot even talk in tune never mind sing, this is not so easy. After years of watching Top of the Pops I have found it best to enthusiastically mime my way through a few verses and generally try to blend in unobtrusively with the chorus. More gifted and confident teachers have been known to adopt the Pavarotti approach and can end up drowning out the entire Year 3 with their rendition of “All Things Bright and Beautiful”.

A regular occurrence in primary schools now is for each teacher to take turns at taking assembly themselves.

This can be a daunting prospect. There is a big difference between speaking to your class and taking on the entire school. In general, the type of assembly you choose should suit you and the age and ability of your children. Some prefer a simple talk with a few visual aids, while others go in for a production to rival Cecil B de Mille.

Usually it is best to involve the children, whether directly in some form of activity or through their responses to questions and ideas presented. The principle that children learn by doing is just as relevant in assemblies as in class.

In my experience you can guarantee to have the children’s attention for at least 10 seconds, after that you are on borrowed time. Children can be harsh critics. You can always tell when you have lost your appeal when the fidgeting becomes more noticeable and the number of shoe-lace fiddlers and amateur hair dressers increases. You know you have gone on too long when all around there is the sound of shoe Velcro being ripped and re-ripped.

The newly qualified teacher should become familiar with their school’s particular customs and practices in assembly, and always remember that the teacher, just as much as the children, has to be on best behaviour.

Trevor Patterson teaches at Churwell Primary School, Leeds.