With the New Year’s countdown approaching and the drinks flowing, what does your festive tipple of choice say about your teaching style?

Are you on board the banter bus with your bottle of Heineken or are you as cosy and comforting as Irish cream? Read on to find out.

Baileys

Sweet, empathic and desperate to see the good in all pupils. These teachers call everyone “sweetheart” and own a never-ending supply of sparkly “I tried hard” stickers. They have a “thinking chair” in their classroom where misbehaving pupils are sent to ponder how they can improve their behaviour. Funnily enough, these pupils never seem to reach a satisfactory conclusion no matter how often they sit on it…

Gin

Dour and melancholic with more than a hint of bitterness, this teacher has all but given up. The profession isn’t what it used to be and the kids get worse every year. They deliver lessons with a sigh and aren’t surprised when nobody has any enthusiasm. Falling asleep in their lessons is not unheard of.

Prosecco  

Effervescent and enthusiastic despite several years at the chalkface. This teacher thinks their lessons and teaching methods are bang on trend; actually, everybody else did it years ago, but didn’t shout as loudly about it. They flirt with everyone, from colleagues to parents. Year 11 think they’re tragic.

Obscure craft ale

New to the profession. Carries some form of hipster instrument wherever they go (bongos; a ukulele) and finds a reason to play it at every opportunity, even if they teach science. Likes to “connect with the kids”. Can name the top 50 up-and-coming bands of 2018, but can’t remember who the education secretary is.

Single-malt whiskey

A charming veteran who’s always full of tales of the days when lesson planning was scribbling an idea on the back of your hand at 9am and pupils did what they were told. Has been at the school for so long that pupils like and fear them in equal measure. They know their stuff and get results, even though their methods may be a little dusty.

Lager  

Popular with pupils, but not so much with management due to their laissez-faire approach to planning, admin and…well…doing any work at all, really. Knows how to talk to kids without patronising them and most of their teaching is done with a healthy side order of banter. They need careful management to keep them just this side of Stella Artois and out of Special Brew territory.

Red wine  

Or white wine. Any wine will do. There are times when good old wine seems like the backbone of the education system. Dependable, hard working, and gets the job done. Wine is the everyman of teachers. Cheers, everybody.

Lisa Jarmin is a teacher and freelance writer

What do we mean by ‘teaching styles’?