Oh no! The Government Fat Cart is in the playground again. The Obesity Police are here. “Bring out your Fatties” orders the Fat Wagon siren. It’s not just Sats these days. It’s Fats too.

Year 10 quake in their boots. I must hide Arbuckle and Furnace in the stockroom or they’ll be carted off to Fat Camps and put on lettuce leaves, push-ups and much hoovering. We lost Dillywig last week and he was only three ounces over the limit.

“Bring out your Bunters!” The Obesity Police storm our classroom. Crumlin is put on the scales and found to be a borderline case. He has been saved by his speed habit.

Malcolm Plod is a goner. He is prodded and pronounced to be a “Fatty”. Exit Plod blubbing down his chins frogmarched into the Fat Cart. I can’t save the poor boy. Like so many, Plod is a junk food addict. I blame the school canteen which is fat city. There they deal out the sugar fixes and mad additives.

By midday my classes are on cold turkey. The pips go for lunch, and so do they. They stampede like famished buffalo down the corridors towards the canteen. They trample visitors, cleaners, Ofsted inspectors and dinner ladies underfoot. They then devour antic pies, bloody offal, hash loonies, acne pizza, twitchy crisps or dog burgers and chips. They glug on frenzy fizz, coca coma, Dr Mania or Red Mist.

Dave Mania dines on an Offal Tart. He loses coins in the attention deficit machine and curses and kicks it. Cordelia and Rhapsody are elsewhere picking on rocket and organic carrots from their Tupperware.

The rest just get fat and antic. You may as well flog them sugar lumps and amphetamine. The Lancet tells us it takes 45 minutes to run off one packet of crisps. A marathon to burn off the dog burgers and chips.

Schools make pound;15,000 a year from junk food. Why not just spend it on pupils: an hour a day of soccer, yoga, swimming or dancing? Or on teachers: on Jacuzzis, masseuses, Lindy Hopping or water polo with the French department. Instead cash is spent on target workshops and action plan reviews which drive you to drink or truffles or doughnuts - and the Fat Wagon..

“Bring out your Fatties!”

The Fat Cart is back again. They’re stuffing Furnace in. Don’t ban poor Furnace. Ban those junk food ads ... and bomb that canteen.

Fat chance!