* Remove dying rats from drains, having previously decapitated them.
* Put out "cones" on the road to ensure the swimming bus is able to park on its return at home time.
* Endorse passports.
* Six-and-a-quarter hours dinner duty per week.
* Oversee building and repair work - squabble with architects.
* Run the school kitchens.
* Supervise "Breakfast Club".
* Do playground duty.
* Sort out arguments over the school car park.
* Respond to non-mandatory questionnaires.
* Write begging letters.
* Clear snow to allow caretaker, pupils and staff access.
* Clean up vomit.
* Clean up used condoms and dog mess on Monday mornings.
* Retrieve balls from roofs and trees for tiny children.
* Change fuses.
* Change spotlights and bulbs.
* Repair miscellaneous equipment.
* Pick up litter and used hypodermic needles.
* Destroy and remove wasps nests.
* Respond politely to ludicrous parental enquiries.
* Remove unwanted sandwiches from toilet bowls.
* Hang curtains.
* Wash and repaint walls.
* Remove graffiti.
JG Twort, is headteacher of Holy Family primary school, Birmingham