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Jack's a catch, Henrik's divine

Headteachers believe they may have found a use for Education Minister Jack McConnell. According to George Haggarty of St John's High in Dundee, most of his colleagues probably turned up at the Catholic Headteachers' Conference in Crieff "on the grounds that they had found a maths teacher at last".

The former maths teacher, Haggarty suggested, was not so much a case of "poacher turned gamekeeper, more poacher turned laird".

The main preoccupation among the Catholic heidies, of course, was not the latest thoughts of Jack the La(ir)d but the approaching cup final involving Celtic and whichever minor team they allw to play against them. The biggest question at the conference was: "Have you got a ticket for the final?" A rumour circulated that Cardinal Thomas Winning no less had not managed to lay his hands on one. A likely story.

They think of little else in these denominational parts, as one of the bishops discovered when he attended to his pastoral duties in the schools of Lanarkshire. He asked a young Henrik Larsson fan which saint's name he would like to have. The response was immediate: "St Henrik."

"But there is no St Henrik," the bishop replied. "I know that," said the lad. "My father says he's God."

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