What is more, unlike Moses - or was it God? - who seemed unaware of enlightened examination-setting techniques, my revelations are prefaced with the merciful instruction: choose the 10 which most appeal to you. If only the Book of Exodus had been as generous, many of us would sleep more comfortably at night.

1 Remember that how pupils arrive, behave and work is a reflection of either the school or the teacher you are replacing, rather than your abilities or otherwise .

2 Never ask pupils what they usually do, unless you wish to hear the word “Nothing! ” 3 Don’t expect the work, when on the rare occasions it is left, to make sense, or you’ll be disappointed.

4 Ignore, but do not necessarily disbelieve pupils who, when given work, protest, “We’ve done this at least 10 times already!”.

5 Appreciate that at best you are a pedagogic prostitute, offering your body for money.

6 Never treat what you do too seriously or you also may have a breakdown.

7 Continually, in the midst of the battle, picture the lovely things the money will make possible.

8 Learn to tell lies. Being an ex-boxer assists discipline, especially if you look like a lap-dog.

9 Constantly reflect that things could be worse; you could be permanent.

l0 Don’t expect to change anything.

11 Practise enjoying speaking to yourself.

12 Delight in being needed.

13 Little worthwhile is achieved without boredom, but don’t use this as an excuse for being boring.

14 Don’t expect to be able to control in the High School those who haven’t been corrected in the High Chair.

15 Remember time is more precious than money and that there are no pockets in a shroud.

16 Make sure you stand for something or you’re likely to fall for anything.

17 Remember that once upon a time you were a child.

18 Always blame the headteachers. They are paid more than you.

19 A man’s best friend should be his dog, not his dogma.

20 Rejoice that if it kills you, heaven will be a complete change.