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Life of Brian is a royal yawn

Memories of legendary Hollywood producer Sam Goldwyn were recalled at the opening of the new sportsfield and grandstand at Dalziel High in Motherwell. Goldwyn achieved notoriety for ensuring that his name appeared at every opportunity during the credits of his many films and for expressions such as "include me out".

Very much included in at the opening ceremony, carried out by the Princess Royal, was Brian Miller, Dalziel's heidie and chairman of the School War Memorial Trust. The official programme contained no fewer than nine references to Miller of which we reproduce only some: 11am Mr Brian Miller will then introduce Her Royal Highness to. . .

11.06am Her Royal Hihness is escorted by Brian Miller to the platform.

11.08am Introduction by Brian Miller to assembled pupilsguests.

11.25am Her Royal Highness is escorted by Brian Miller to the Football Park . . .

11.35am . . . is escorted by Brian Miller to the Hockey Park . . .

11.40am . . . is escorted by Brian Miller to the Rugby Park . . .

11.50am . . . bids farewell to Brian Miller and guests at the car park."

The dignitaries sitting in the new grandstand for more than an hour awaiting the arrival of HRH and BM were not in a charitable mood: "Who is that with Brian Miller?" was one of the printable comments.

Sam Goldwyn would have been proud.

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