Exam boards, just stop wasting time. We’ll easily be ready for September 2010.

Lads with short hair and specs will get As; trendy, guitar playing yoofs will get Bs; hairdryer or straightener-users will get Cs.

Those with spots or bad breath will get Ds or below (on a graduated scale according to severity).

Girls who smile and say please will get As; those with knee-length skirts will get Bs.

You get the picture. I imagine there would need to be some consultation on those “who have yet to decide on their gender”, which could hold up proceedings a little.

Lynette Norris, Cockermouth, Cumbria.