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Monkeys could do better . . .

SO, monkeys can count up to nine if taught, say Columbia University researchers. The faculty would be wise to keep quiet or they will be expected to set higher targets, reach level 2b and be put on special measures if they do not succeed. A hit-squad from Oxford is waiting to take over the university if necessary. English being the monkeys' second language is just no excuse for lower standards.

Jenny Smith Headteacher Elvington CE primary school Dauby Lane, Elvington, York

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