Christopher Bell, conductor of the Royal Scottish National Orchestra Junior Chorus, told his audience at Glasgow City Halls recently that he was glad health education was obviously effective in the schools his young singers were drawn from.

“I was explaining what the words of `What Will We Do With the Drunken Sailor?’ meant to our training choir,” he said. “I asked what the word `sober’ meant, as in the song. One hand went up and the wee boy told me: `It’s when you wake up the next morning after drinking and can’t remember the night before.’”

Not nice, and dim

We have previously reported cases from around the world where dim-witted pupils have committed the exact same mistake: they have filmed themselves vandalising school property, uploaded the footage to YouTube then been amazed when they have been caught. Sometimes they have even put their names on the credits.

Now, a headteacher in Utah has turned the tables by putting a video on the internet himself to help nab a pair of vandals. Two teenagers had used a basketball to knock out a CCTV camera at Sunset Elementary so they could break into a portable classroom. Unfortunately for them, a second CCTV camera had recorded their every move.

So Don Beatty, the principal, edited the video and posted it on YouTube, with a $50 (pound;25) reward for information. A few days later, he got a tip- off and the two teenage boys have since been charged with criminal mischief.

As for stupidity? Guilty as charged.

A Balls up

Fiona Hyslop may have her ministerial worries, but they are as nothing compared with those of Ed Balls, her English counterpart.

Apparently, he was getting a little irritated that headteachers didn’t seem to be communicating with him much. The reason turned out to be that the infamous computer firewalls which protect schools from the nasty world out there refused to allow him access because of the “inappropriateness” of his name - and it wasn’t Ed.

It’s a classic

We all have our little ways, and Tom Burnett, president of the primary heads’ organisation AHDS, is no exception. He reveals that driving “my classic MG open-top Roadster to school on fine days” is one of his stress- busting strategies. “Wind in the hair and beard and greenfly in the teeth - absolute exhilaration that blows away the troubles and stresses (well, almost).”