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The real Academy Awards

HARD on the heels of the teaching "Oscars" come rumours of an alternative awards ceremony for next year, the educational equivalent of the Hollywood Golden Turkey Ceremony.

There will be the Michael Schumacher Prize for the fastest drive from the staff car park to Tesco.

A much sought-after gong will be the JK Rowling Medal for the best piece of fiction, awarded to the most unbelievably ridiculous development plan. And the Tony Blackburn Prize for Hairstyles will go to the best fiftysomething dressed as a young Robert Redford.

The Uriah Heep Diploma will be presented to the member of staff who takes all the depute head's classes, as well as supporting the rector's favourite team.

The Spielberg Fellowship will go to the director who has had most column inches and photographs in the papers - but only for educational reasons.

The TOSSA Award (Teachers on Special School Assignment) will be presented to the member of staff who understands all the words of the school's HMI report.

Finally, there will be a great rush for the prestigious Janet Webb Memorial Prize, given in honour of the lady who brushed past Eric and Ernie with the immortal words: "If you've all enjoyed my little show, then it's been worth while."

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