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Report card

It's that report writing time of year again. To help relieve the torture, April Martin, a peripatetic dance teacher in Cambridgeshire, has written a glossary of report vocab, with politically incorrect translations: "Lively member of the class" (can't sit still); "good creative ability" (original homework excuses); "a very helpful member of the class" (does anything but the task in hand); "finds relationships difficult" (bully); "makes good progress" (who?).

So cynical these teachers! By way of further relieving the tedium, the Diary will give a bottle of champagne to the first teacher to introduce the phrase "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" into a report. Anonymity will, of course, be carefully preserved.

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