Easy for the female teachers. A bit of lipstick and a nice black number and they look dynamite. But a lost cause for us blokes. Raddled, crumbling and mostly post operative, we are beyond spin. We can only try for the charming relic ticket.

Still, we’ve devised this whizzo show: great moments in literature. Here’s the programme:

Part One

Shakespeare: the blinding of Gloucester performed by the inclusion unit with bloodbags. Madrigals from Ingrid Shriek. The Age of Enlightenment: Swift’s Modest Proposal. David Mania will be joined by his posse in a cannibal rap. Solo, he will chop up his collection of teddy bears. This will be interactive. Backdrop by Goya - Cronos devouring his children.

Note, this item is not for the delicate. The Rime of the Ancient Mariner performed in the school swimming pool. Sou’westers or bikinis may be worn.

A recitation by me decked out in wig, seaweed and anchor. Crew: the tenth year. Interval The Lotus Eaters: a video of sixth-form study centre. Female English teachers, the Literati, will dance the Watusi and give out free tequila slammers.

Part two

Scenes from Dickens: a full tilt rendition by Mr Dowd. Seventh years still recall with relish his crazed rendition of the death of Sikes during which he broke several ribs and lost the use of most of his extremities. Artful Dodger by Amos Wildman who would like to thank his probation officer.

The Modern Age: Ted Hughes: “Hawk Roosting”. Cordelia Swansong will recite.

A hawk will be unleashed on prospective tinies during verse three. The school nurse will be present.

Final address by the head of department “Why we’re just the coolest.” A film by Stephen Frears of the English team in action. The men will played by J Depp, G Clooney and J Timberlake. The women will play themselves. They will be marking like billyho and fulfilling all known targets.

If your open evening needs perking up, we’ll be taking the show on the road. A grand gig. Beats teaching.