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Soundbites;Features and arts

The Year 11 girls recently played their first basketball match of the season. Our team beat Oldham and Quilly 26-15. Let's hope that it is the first of many successes this term!"

The above was noted in the press release our school correspondents were about to fax to the local press. We were impressed that the Year 11 girls could beat a whole town (plus an extra). On talking to the PE staff, it emerged that "Oldham and Quilly" was, in fact, the Alderman Quilley comprehensive school.

PETER RANSOM

At half-term I attempted to recapture the heady days of my youth by arranging to go out with old friends. Everything was going well until it came to my round. I swaggered up to the bar: "Three pints of Heinemann, please."

I must have confused the happy hour with literacy hour!

JENNIE LEWIS

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