19th December 1997 at 00:00
Joan Sallis answers governors' questions


As a head I would welcome advice on Christmas presents to give to my governors. Any ideas?


Here are some suggestions: 1 A small dictionary of educational abbreviations.

2 A guillotine for their meetings.

3 A larger table to hold tabled papers. (Alternatively, a written promise that papers will be sent by post seven days in advance where possible.) 4 A home filing cabinet.

5 A cushion. For the chair, maybe a sleeping bag.

6 A hip flask or, for any known teetotallers, a foot muff.

7 Worry beads.

8 Cocoa and herbal sleeping tablets.

9 A jigsaw puzzle representing the timetable or national curriculum.

10 A Kelly doll. Always comes up smiling and the right way up, even on impact with a hard surface.

11A calendar marking in red the evenings they are allowed to remain at home.

12 A long-range programmer to video favourite TV programmes.

13 A voucher for a school girl or boy for a day to watch these videos for them.

14 A copy of your new book (publisher Mills and Boon) Our Dark Secret: a marriage in name only.

15 Tickets to accompany 20 pupils (chosen by the staff) on a trip to a safari park.

16 Large handkerchiefs for nativity plays, harvest festivals, etc.

17 And finally, have you thought of designing your own Christmas cards? It might for instance, show an undernourished, ill-clad child in the snow outside the school with the caption "When did you last see your mother?"

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