All I want for Christmas is

15th December 2000 at 00:00
FOR the first Christmas of the new millennium I offer my bumper gifts catalogue and programme of festive treats.

SUPER GIFTS For her Spoof pay bonus Send her this astonishingly realistic performance-pay announcement on what looks like official notepaper. You and your pals will split your sides with mirth when she turns over the page, rejoicing at having got through the threshold, only to discover that the assessor's name is C Wuddhedd and she has been awarded 2,000 sacks of yak dung.

Marquis de Sade Jokes Ltd: pound;9.99.

Eau d'Ofsted This specially created perfume has been manufactured in Paris. Its unique formula combines long-lost secret essences from the Incas which have an intoxicating effect on anyone within 30 metres, so her lousiest lesson will appear to inspectors to have been given by Helen of Troy.

The standard version lasts through a whole week of inspection, while the deluxe bottle is guaranteed to stupefy the registered inspector until after he has written his report, turning every "below" into "above".

Demon Supplies Inc: pound;29.99 (standard), pound;49.99 (deluxe).

For him Legal Eagle Is his school heading for special measures? This brilliantly-conceived legal kit is guaranteed to have OFSTED issuing a grovelling apology and offering to pay for every member of staff to spend a week in the Bahamas. Winning questions for him to ask in court include "Why did you only spend three minutes in my lesson?" and "Didn't you know there's only one 't' in 'literacy'?".

Complete Banker plc: pound;99.99.

For the kids Generally sound test scores This unique piece of computer software takes pupils' scores in national tests or GCSEs and gives a completely fictitious "value- added" print-out showing huge gains. Absolutely foolproof.

If anyone asks who added the value, simply reply "the computer, because it doesn't say anywhere in the rules that the teaching has to be brilliant, only that the school should add value (unspecified). pound;43.99.

Parent Power Do some of your children's parents do their homework for them, slipping in the odd error to fool the teacher? This thick wad of challenging homework tasks will teach them a lesson. You will widdle yourself as fraudsters grapple with copying out the whole of War and Peace and try to answer questions such as "What is the meaning of life?" and "How many grains of sand are there on Blackpool Beach?" Teachers' Revenge Inc: pound;79.99.

CHRISTMAS ON TV Antiques Road Show This popular programme visits the Department for Education and Employment, where one official is disappointed to find his autographed photo of Kenneth Baker is only worth 2p, while another is astonished to learn that her full set of original 1989 SEAC assessment folders are valued at pound;10,000 because of a simple misprint: they were written in plain English by mistake.

Carry On Threshold Assessor The old team come together again for a classroom romp in which Kenneth Williams and Sid James pose as threshold assessors, causing chaos when Sid demands back-handers from desperate teachers. Hattie Jacques stars as the unscrupulous head who pays herself everyone else's bonus as a reward for her own performance management.

Cast: Miss Demeanour - Hattie Jacques, Sid Tickbox - Sid James, Ivor Checklist - Kenneth Williams.

Top of the Pops Special Stroll down Memory Lane during this one-hour tribute to popular tunes and musicals, as Screaming Lord Woodhead performs some of his greatest hits. Old favourites include: Please Release Me, Let Me Go, Climb Every Mountain, Another One Bites the Dust and themes from the Leonard Bernstein musical West Side Tory.

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