Diary - Shrouded in mystery

2nd April 2010 at 01:00
The Day of the Dead arrived. No more Mrs Nice Guy. Cuts they want? Cuts they'll get. The fellow from ADES said it's the worst for 30 years. No sacred cows, said the man from Cosla.

Lars arrived sporting a black eye. Don't go there, Bridget. Attacked by "morons" or his bidie-in? I noticed that several of the more militant parents had managed to buy a job lot of "ABE" navy blue T-shirts and had over-printed Anyone But England with Anything But Education.

I offered millions of pounds' worth of "savings" which were all duly accepted, albeit with feigned reluctance.

I wanted to write to The Proclaimers and offer a few new verses for their song Letter From America. Swimming no more, libraries no more, specialists no more, nurseries no more, CPD no more, school meals no more, QIOs no more, directorate no more, heating no more, buses no more .

We were shutting down in the winter months. We were increasing class sizes. We were freezing teacher salaries. We were starting school at 7.30am. We had trusts everywhere. Faith Schools. Hope Schools. Charity Schools. They were committing political suicide, but at least they had cut out biscuits and coffee in the members' lounge.

As I walked from the chamber, I had visions of some of the enterprising initiatives we could undertake to make up for the losses.

If there was enough cash left to pay the few remaining art and design teachers, we could go into business and get a start-up grant from Scottish Enterprise.

We could get the best S6 pupils to write fake letters from the late Princess Di endorsing Feng Shui, Tai Chi, locally-produced mineral water and walking holidays in our area.

We education professionals are nothing if not resourceful. In times of crisis, we will find a way to save our schools.

We need income generation. A Curriculum for Enterprise? A Folio for Fleecing? T-shirt factories in every school? Bulk purchase of fortified wine from the local abbey? Well, maybe not. Pregnancy testing kits in school colours? Hello Mr Chips vans outside every school?

What about a must-see tourist attraction? Could we "plant" a series of imitation medieval shrouds across the council area? Could we have a Touring Shroud? We could flog replicas. We could charge for people to see it. Off-cuts only pound;100 each. The DVD, the CD, the concert, the T-shirt, the film. Dan Brown anyone?

We could set up a foundation. The cash would roll in, surely. We could soon have enough to restore most of the cuts.

Now, is there anyone visiting Scotland soon who could formally launch the project for us and give it a bit of papal clout?

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