Monday, November 5, 1585. Calories: 2,300. Fags: 10. Assassination attempts: 150.
Ah, it's tough being the Queen of England, particularly when the only suitors you're offered are Ivan the Terrible (not a man who believed in saying it with flowers), and Erik of Sweden, famous for rampant insanity and dying from a bowl of poisoned pea soup.
Early scenes from Elizabeth: The Golden Age, feature the Queen being shown portraits of her prospective hubbies and huffing contemptuously - and one can only sympathise. After all, when you're leader of the greatest country in Christendom and can speak six languages, where do you find a man who can keep up?
Not Spain, that's for sure. Liz roundly rejects any saucy offers from King Philip, resulting in a little tiff known as the Spanish Armada. Meanwhile, swashbuckling cad Sir Walter Raleigh is busy obsessing over potatoes and knocking up her best pal ... aye, it's a romantic disaster.
The film has been condemned for its splendour-over-substance approach to history but promises plenty of Cate Blanchett at her nostril-flaring, lion-hearted best.
It goes on release in cinemas throughout the UK tonight. Watch, we command you.