First name your parts
The scene: an S4 personal and social education class, post-S28 repeal. We focus on three sweat-shirted teenaged boys and their teacher. He is of the tweedy, elbow-patched, old-school type.
Teacher: "Right class, it's gay role-play time again."
Class: (unenthused muttering).
Teacher: "That's enough of that. Now Campbell, I want you to be a male homosexual . . ."
Campbell: (sullen): "No way, sur!"
Teacher: "I beg your pardon?"
Campbell: (louder): "I said no way, sur!"
Teacher: "Look, Campbell, just what's your problem?"
Campbell: "I was a homosexual last week. You says I could be a transsexual this week."
Teacher: "Keep your hair on - you can be a transsexual if it makes you happy."
Munro: "Haw, hing oan! I'm the transsexual. You tell't me that last lesson." (proudly) "I've brought my maw's dress."
Teacher: "Munro, do you never listen? I said you could be a transvestite. Write out fift times: 'Transvestites and transsexuals are not the same thing.' Now, Duncan, what about you?"
Duncan: "I'm no' bein' naebody that fancies men."
Teacher: (twists Duncan's ear): "Double negative, boy!"
Duncan: "I'm still no' bein' one."
Munro: "He could be a lesbian, sur!"
Teacher: "Excellent idea, Munro. You can tear up that punishment. What about it, Duncan?"
Duncan: "I'm no' sure . . ."
Campbell: "You could be a nice-lookin' one, the sort guys say: 'What a waste!' at. You dinnae have tae be an ugly one wi' dungarees, a skinhead and wee wiry specs."
Teacher: "Campbell, you're stereotyping again. How many times have I told you not to do that?
Duncan: "I'm still no' sure."
Teacher: "Look, Duncan, we've got three parts left - the gay, the lesbian or the narrow-minded homophobe with more money than sense. Now what's it to be?"
Duncan: "Ach, I suppose it'll have to be the lesbian."
Gregor Steele would like to produce a billboard poster reading: "My son could grow up in a society where the excessively wealthy have an undue influence on public opinion. That horrifies me." (Father of two, Lanarkshire)