19th November 2010 at 00:00

Monday: Yet another email from the Bureaucracy Diminishment Unit, set up with a sanctimonious flourish by The Gove to reduce the number of pointless rules and regulations stifling our schools. "Please find attached our latest Compliance Matrix, to be adopted by all schools as a legal requirement under the auspices of our ongoing Bureaucracy Rollback. Note amended Directive 05.07. This creates a new statutory obligation for every school to appoint a Bureaucracy Diminishment Officer with responsibility for drawing up a draft Administrative Reduction Plan (including costings, timetable and social impact assessment) by the end of this term. We draw your attention to Appendix J (ii) which sets out the individual obligations of teachers under the Plan; specifically, the maintenance of a Personal Bureaucracy Diminishment Folder to be peer-monitored fortnightly." Underneath it says, "THINK: Do you really need to print out this attachment? Help us conserve Earth's Precious Resources. Thank you." We do The Earth an extra special favour by not READING the attachment.

Tuesday: Lord Heseltine keeps dropping in unannounced. I swear the doddery fool's losing his mind. Ever since he discovered what an inspiration he'd been to the teenage Gove ("I'd be up in my bedroom rocking out to Kajagoogoo, Spandau Ballet, and Michael Heseltine reading the Riot Act in a warm baritone ...") the Blue Baron's been appearing every few days in his battle fatigues. Such an embarrassment. He barks at visitors in reception to sit up straight, and asks to see their "papers".

Wednesday: We've all been told not to speak to Heseltine. His plan to bring "proper discipline" to schools by recruiting retired army officers has sent alarm bells ringing across Westminster. He and his friends were interviewed this morning on ITV, all wearing uniform. One of them was a Chelsea Pensioner with a blunderbuss. Heseltine growling from beneath his mad horsehair eyebrows. Ominously, they're now calling themselves "The Wild Geese".

Thursday: Getting uglier. "Lord Hassletine", as Sandra calls him, is threatening to demonstrate how army discipline can turn round failing schools in a brutally direct way. By "taking" it with his band of nutty mercenaries, establishing martial law and "giving thuggish troublemakers a taste of their own medicine, don't worry it's only waterboarding ..."

Friday: Pandemonium in the Gove Bunker, with a live link to Noddy Holder High Scool in Wolverhampton. Heseltine and his Wild Geese stormed in during morning break and herded everyone into the assembly hall. A couple appeared to have raided the head's drinks cabinet, too. Police surrounded the building and played a waiting game. Eventually they went in and recaptured the place when one of The Wild Geese completely overstepped the mark by lighting a cigar.

As intercepted by Ian Martin.

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