Kelly and the misprint mystery
Paul Mackney was under instructions not to make anyone cry in his last speech as general secretary, but he presumably made an exception for the absent Ms Kelly.
"She often seemed so far out of her depth that even the Andrew Adonis air-sea rescue service couldn't save her," he said. "But let's give discredit where discredit is due. The best that can be said of her is that, all things considered, she might have been worse."
But Blackpool police might need to call in a Harvard symbologist, played by Tom Hanks, to decode the mysterious message left next to the body.
"Kelly has at best an ambiguous record on gay nights," said the extract from a motion to the conference.
Cowled albino monks from Opus Dei were seen trying to convince journalists that this was some misprint for "an ambiguous record on gay rights".
Since Ms Kelly has declared herself "passionate" about fighting discrimination -no ambiguity there - this must be another cover-up. Get Dan Brown on the case.