Levelled out

14th November 2008 at 00:00

Dear parents, carers, kith and kin

Please find herein enclosed

Your child's latest assessment sheet

Set out in verse, not prose

Assessment for assessment's sake

May seem to you irrational

But here are your son's latest grades

His levels - curriculum - national

In citizenship he's a 7.5

He's such a lovely person

In art he's got a level 4

In French he's got a worse 'un

In food tech he's a 5.2

As cool as a cucumber

In English he's a level 6

(The Prisoner's old number)

In ICT he's level 3

But he is inclined to skive

In maths he's level 4.8

But he should've been a 5

He's a spirit level in RE

And a credit unto you

In music he's just brilliant

So he's level 42

His PE levels have been levelled down

For a level playing field

And if you level out all his levels

The truth will be revealed

Your level-headed little lad

To whom I am referring

On average has a level score

Of 5.6 recurring

And now fill in the slip below

Please do not eat or burn it

We'd value any comments, please

Here's hoping you'll return it

Parents' reply

We love these lovely levels

They bring us a level of joy

But from this report, retain one thought:

He's not a number - he's a boy

Rob Barratt, Bodmin, Cornwall.

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