nooooo! why have they put me here? I was so happy in my old parking space.
It was nice and easy to get into. Now I'm at a weird angle between this poncey people-carrier and a memorial sapling to the last head. I don't want to kill the tree but I don't want to bump the human transporter either. So what do I do? Come into school five minutes earlier every morning? No way!
"Miss Shark, you all right down there?" Yes, I know, kids, the struggles of Can't Park Shark are highly entertaining to watch from two floors up.
"Year 10, get away from the windows - now!" Emily, just ignore them. You're doing fine - loads of space.
"You've got about two feet."
"Thanks, Jon. Are you sure?"
Thanks, Mr Gorgeous - except that I would rather be rescued from this by someone I'm not in lust with.
"OK. Wait - is your class all right left on its own?"
"Don't worry, Emily - Melinda's with them. Now, just bring it round."
Bring what round? Round what? You're stuffed now. You don't know what he meant and it's too late to ask because you've already pretended to be enlightened. Just do something. Grrr... what a crappy place to put a tree.
"No! Not that way. Bring her round the other way. Use your mirror."
All day long I give out instructions. Surely I can follow someone else's? Now, he's waving his right arm to his left, but I'm seeing him in the mirror, so... KRREEENNNCHHHKK-K-K!
I want to vanish, fade far away.
"OKI er, just get out for a minute and let me park. The bell's about to go."
"Oh, dear... Thank you so much, Jon. I'll just write a little note for this person with the flash car."
I want to run away and start a new life in the outback. With a horse.
"Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry. Look, I..."
"We'll sort it out later. Time to go. Just one thing - why were you quite so far away from that tree?"
"Well, I didn't want to hit it and it's hard to judge distances at odd angles."
"Hmm. That's quite sweet, I suppose. You scraped my car because you wanted to save a tree. OK, well let's go in."
Sweet? I've never been called that before. Do I let him carry on thinking it? Oh, yeah.
"So how come Melinda's with your class?"
"Ah, Melinda. Long story. I'll tell you about it some time."
"Oh. Yes. Thanks. Sorry!"
I might go and watch stock-car racing this weekend. Yeah, I could use the sound of screaming tyres.
More from Emily in a fortnight