The old ones are the best

3rd December 2004 at 00:00
Anyone who has played panto will know the punch lines. These "gags" are often sprinkled spontaneously through an entire production.

Dame: "Every time I'm down in the dumps, I buy myself a new hat."

Comic: "I wondered where you got them from."

Dame: "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."

Comic: "Yes, and three hates are 24."

Dame: "You remind me of the sea."

Comic: "Do you mean rough on top, but smooth and calm underneath?"

Dame: "No, you make me sick!"

Comic: "You know what happens to people who don't keep their promises?"

Dame: "No, what?"

Comic: "They become Members of Parliament."

When a double act plays the Ugly Sisters in Cinderella, one may act as stooge or "straight man" to the other - or they may share the punch lines.

First Ugly Sister: (looking in hand mirror) "Arrgh! Who's that?"

Second Ugly Sister: (taking mirror and looking in it) "Why, that's me."

First Ugly Sister: "Thank goodness. I thought it was me."

First Ugly Sister: (trying on glass slipper): "I can't get my foot in this crystal slipper."

Second Ugly Sister: "You couldn't get your foot in the Crystal Palace."

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