Out of the mouths of...

17th March 2006 at 00:00
The Scottish Executive wants to turn out pupils who are creative and innovative. Its ambitions are halfway there, judging by this selection of test answers: Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section".

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

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