* I was "outreaching" at a local Catholic primary recently when Jonathan confided in me: "Oh God, Miss, I always get mixed up between Hallowe'en and Easter...."
* A howler discovered while moderating English coursework: "Keats' poem has a lovely, genital rocking sort of rhythm."
* Year 9 parents' evening and a colleague had painstakingly gone through David's CATs, SATs and NFER scores and what these would mean for his GCSE chances.
As she drew breath, David's father quickly jumped in: "Look, all I really want to know is what do I give him tonight - a bicycle or a bollocking?" EILEEN LUMBER