For the teacher with everything

20th December 2002 at 00:00
Still a few shopping days left before Christmas, so here is our special guide to those last-minute presents and the festivities you can enjoy over Yuletide.

SUPER CHRISTMAS GIFTS

For her

Ron's Rocket SuperBureaucracy Buster

Specially designed by exam board chief Ron McLone to reduce paperwork. Put 70 sheets of paper into Ron's rocket and watch it fly round the room, downgrading them to 40 inside a few minutes, entirely within normal moderation procedures.

"As a reception class teacher I used to spend hours assessing children on the 117 tick-boxes of the foundation stage profile, but Ron's rocket got them down to five - what a hero!" Elspeth Scattergood, Gasworks primary.

Ron's Reducers Plc: A2 rocket pound;50, (AS rocket half price, can be downgraded to a quarter for pound;10 extra; non-stick version in Ron's special Teflon, pound;100).

For HIM

Bendy the Classroom Assistant

Lifesize classroom assistant made of best quality foam rubber, complete with pre-programmed scheme of work, so it can take over his class while the teacher sits in the staffroom preparing its next few lessons, exactly as advocated by the Government.

"I used to worry about low pay for support staff, but no need now for pangs of conscience, because this rubber dummy is cheap and its discipline is better than some of the staff." Albert Figgis, head of upper school, Bogstandard comprehensive.

Government Dummies Unlimited deluxe model

pound;99.99 (programmed with five additional key stage 3 English lessons on the aerodynamics of the subordinate clause), back-to-basics model pound;29.99 (chants all the capes and bays from Scarborough to Hong Kong), special London model, only pound;6,000.

For the kids

Virtual and Cabbage Patch Adults

No more bother with awkward grown-ups. Assign each child an individual computerised adult, or give them the Cabbage Patch doll version. Any problems and "wop" they just zap the virtual version with the "delete" button, or lob the doll into the waste bin. Very therapeutic, loved by teenagers, provides much needed peace for their parents.

Angry Dad Doll (with exploding head) pound;49.99, virtual mum pound;49.99 (programmed to say,"Haven't you finished your homework yet, Malcolm?", pound;10 extra).

Adults 'R'nt Us Inc.

Strait-jacket Gripping game

Essential for a school's creativity programme (QCA approved). As soon as a teacher follows some government-prescribed lesson to the letter, any pupil can shout out"Strait-jacket". The first team to strap up the miscreant in a strait-jacket is the winner. Cheaper than a training course and the beauty is that it is one in the eye for the Number 10 Wheeze Factory: only pound;75.

FILMS ON TELEVISION

Carry on Performance Managing

Another hilarious Christmas farce from the Carry On team. Headteacher Hattie Targets and deputies Sid Threshold and Ken Performance corner all the money in the school's salary budget for their own pay bonus, by setting the staff of Scumbag Comprehensive impossible goals, like getting 120 per cent of pupils through A-level. Eventually every member of staff resigns and the school's caretaker, Wuddhedd, is left to teach all the lessons.

Starring Hattie Jacques as Hattie Targets: Sid James as Sid Threshold; Kenneth Williams as Ken Performance; Boris Karloff as Wuddhedd.

CHRISTMAS BOOKS

Andrew Adonis Here's Another Fine Wheeze I've Gotten You Into (pound;9.99).

Tony Blair I'm Really in Charge, so You Can All Sod Off (99p).

OFSTED English-Ofstedese Bilingual Phrasebook (pound;99.99).

Bill Stubbs I'm Innocent, Guv: Free the London One (pound;19.99).

Chris Woodhead Class War (now remaindered, thousands of copies available at 10p, or ready perforated at 20p, including post and packing).

THINGS TO DO ON CHRISTMAS DAY

Here is the official government prescription describing what teachers must do on Christmas Day.

Only use approved words like"targets", or "bogstandard" when playing Scrabble.

Wear a special hat with "superhead" on it and order the dog around.

Spend at least two hours copying out schemes of work from the QCA website.

Rank-order friends and family into a league table.

Throw away the left wing of the turkey.

Eat plenty of vegetables, as you will be expected to behave like one in January.

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