It's exam time for the staff of 2010. Jill Parkin introduces Satts (standardised attainment tests for teachers)
Just a few words of introduction from me, chair of the Year 9 leadership council. Here at Forward Academy we've been chosen by the chief, Ten Babes Ruth, to pilot an exciting innovation in child-centred education.
The idea is simplicity itself: we test you, the teachers, to see if you're up to our standards. For meaningful assessment and to aid learning outcomes and self-evaluation, we will be checking your results against the CAT - SAT (can ancient teachers send a text?) scores we collected last term.
First of all, let's check that everything is transparent round here.
Our heavies, specially borrowed from Year 11 of GoGold specialist sports college down the road, will be patrolling the aisles looking for contraband books, pencils and other 20th century aids.
To repeat: you are allowed only mobiles and palmtops with superspeed internet access. The only exception to that rule is Mr Block, head of resistant materials, who has special dispensation to use a laptop because of his obese digits.
History What was Bluetooth?
A A turn-of-the-century wireless technology that linked electronic devices such as cell phones and palmtops at a snail-like 720kbits.
B A Danish king, Harald Bluetooth, who unified Denmark and Norway in the 10th century.
C Temporary dental staining caused by sucking obsolete writing instruments filled with ink.
Name the Google partners A Hobbes and Sutcliffe.
B Crosse and Blackwell.
C Page and Brin.
Communications WKND GR8. SKL CWOT. CU4T. What is this about?
A Harald Bluetooth sending the news to his mum in a Viking telegram.
B SMS from Year 10 boy to Year 10 girl: weekend great, school a complete waste of time, see you for tea.
C The new examinations boards replacing OCR, AQA, QCA, JEB ETC.
You are wondering why your best friend hasn't sent you a postcard from the ski-slopes when you are smashed in the face with a snowball. What's happening?
A It is snowing.
B Your friend has just sent you a video message.
C You are with your friend on the ski-ing holiday but are now concussed and lying some way off a rarely used black level piste.
PHSE Gonorrhea, chlamydia, verruca and herpes. Which is the odd one out?
A Herpes. The rest are Greek goddesses and he's a male messenger god.
B Herpes. The rest are obviously at Patrician College pre-prep and he's with Zebedee, Yam and Bazz in reception at Bog Standard.
C Verruca. It's caught by foot to foot contact. The other three are sexually transmitted.
On a night out, two blokes in your gang boast that they have Ruffles. What do you do?
A Tell them that kidnapping a dog is illegal - and smelly.
B Ask if it's catching.
C Tell the police and leave the party: it's street talk for Rohypnol, a date rape drug.
Modern languages Hit, slash, trash, burn, crash, boot: who's talking?
A More Vikings: Eric Bloodaxe wearing a helmet packed with Rohypnol.
B Any even vaguely competent computer user.
C The leader of our last Ofsted inspection.
"This is like so-o-o-o fun. I mean, like, how bling is that?" Time and place?
A January 2005 sales, Bluewater, Lakeside, the Trafford Centre and MetroCentre.
B Course in English as a second language, one term in.
C Leader article in 'The Economist', 2005.
RE A short, potbellied man with an elephant's head with one tusk, four arms and yellow skin. Who?
A Twentieth century head of chemistry found in lab cupboard 40 years after catastrophic O-level practical.
B The school caretaker, Woodbine Wilf.
C The Hindu god Ganesh. He rides on a mouse, signifying the unity of the small with the big.
The latest Jacqueline Wilson set text for Year 13, 'My Dad Got Me Into This Mess', is a reworking of which minority text?
A 'The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, aged 13 and three-quarters', by Sue Townsend.
B 'An Old Etonian Makes His Excuses', by Prince Harry. (Ghost-written by his former teacher, circa 2005) C The Bible, New Testament: a Christian text, once standard in schools.
Physics Efficiently using a websearch, come up with a short definition of wind farms.
A Groups of large machines which produce energy when the wind turns the turbines.
B A place where farmers make wind. Their cows help.
C Families of big mills upon the summits which energy produce when the wind the sails round turn (translated from the German by Deutsche Web Wizard).
Yellow dwarfs, red giants, white dwarfs and black dwarfs. What?
A Latest Tolkien spin-off from Disney, a sort of Gandalf meets Sneezy and Dopey.
B Teachers of obsolete subjects such as chemistry, French, scripture and domestic science.
C Stars in their various stages of life. Our own Sun has around 5 billion years, or 1 billion successors of GCSEs, to go.
Please email your answers to email@example.com. The Year 9 leadership council and, of course, Ten Babes Ruth, would like to thank you for taking part in these innovative Satts. You can find your results by visitingwww.teacherdemise. dfes.gov.uk. Steady does it, Mr Block, that's an automatic door you're trying to get through.