MONDAY Mr T visits Mrs F's class on the scrounge for some equipment. He puts his arm round her shoulders and tells the Year 3 class that he loves Mrs F. Bad move. Year 3s are notorious for taking things literally. Sure enough, before school finishes the juniors are agog with the news that Mr T and Mrs F are having an affair.
TUESDAY The class asks Mrs F about the parentage of her child. As his name is Owen and Mr T is Welsh, it is obvious that the child must be his. Mrs F is amazed by their knowledge of geography and their ability to make judgments (skills not immediately noticeable in their exercise books). She tells Mr T in the staffroom that she is not speaking to him for causing such emotional stress.
WEDNESDAY Not to be easily rejected, Mr T sends Mrs F a note which she ignores but the children don't. The Ofsted summary report is sent out to parents. It proclaims that relationships across the school are excellent. Parents are seen smiling (or is it smirking?) at the gate. Two parents come down to Mrs F's classroom and are overheard discussing the report. Don't the staff work hard - why, they were even here at weekends. Didn't they see Mr T and Mrs F's cars side by side in the car park? Yes, they deserve a goodreport. The report also states that the children are eager to learn and are not afraid to ask questions. Mrs F would agree.
THURSDAY Poor Mrs F has a cold sore. The children are quick to inform her that cold sores are caught by kissing. Rush to see if Mr T has a cold sore. Unfortunately, he's on a course with Mrs W. Is he two-timing Mrs F? Back to the classroom where Mrs F's 16-year-old daughter is in to help. It's geography and they're discussing St Lucia - an exotic location. Mrs F's class don't miss a trick. Nice place for a honeymoon, Mrs F, and we all know what happens on honeymoons. Not with a cold sore like mine, replies Mrs F. And we all know how you get cold sores, reply the children. Mr T returns from his course and meets Mrs F's daughter. He is overheard saying that he prefers the younger model. Oh no! Mr T has gone off Mrs F!
FRIDAY The rumour machine has changed tack. A new supply teacher arrives and changes into shorts for PE. The Year 6 girls are agog and Mr T fades into oblivion. Mrs F is left to nurse her cold sore while her class gets to grips with Greek mythology. This should keep them entertained until the next scandal.
Val Woollven is head of St Andrews C of E primary, Plymouth