So, a primary in Birmingham has installed heavy fire doors that kiddies struggle to open. Well, hello? Isn't this the answer to the obesity crisis? My new company, DietDoors(TM), has a range of products. See www.heavydoorsarethenewryvita.com for my product brochure.
Now overworked heads can forget about squeezing extra PE into the timetable at the expense of Sats cramming. My firm will replace all doors in your school and the flesh will drop off overweight pupils. If your school is near a McDonald's or your parents feed chips through the railings, you may appreciate our range of Fairly Wide Doors.
Our Door Policy Advisory Unit (DPAU) can help plan your new system, especially as every child matters. You are thinking, "But what about the skinny ones?" No problem. DPAU will attend your school's initial weigh-in and work out the proportion of very light, light, heavy and well heavy doors you need. You tell each pupil which door to use and, hey presto, every child can carry on mattering. To make things even easier, our innovations unit has designed an electronic Full Access to Territory (FAT) card system that lets pupils only through the appropriate door. Plump kids trying to reach the canteen more quickly through the very light doors will get even more exercise by having to go round the other way.
Isn't it every head's dream to help each pupil succeed at something? We know from our education consultant (an ex-head who works 9am-5pm and has remembered his wife's name now) that some pupils are difficult to reward because they haven't done a damn thing to deserve it.
With the DietDoors(TM) system, every child is an achiever. As pupils lose excess weight, they receive an "I crossed a threshold" certificate (download our template for only pound;30). They get an award at your achievements evening and make their parents proud as they jog up the aisle, with plenty of space either side of them, to receive their prize. Even your still illiterate sixth-formers can record this on their Ucas application, perhaps with help.
As a firm with its finger on the pulse of education initiatives, we have also woven compulsory cookery into our planning. We are working with chef Jamie Oliver, who has welcomed the chance to retrieve his reputation after inadvertently reviving a nation's zest for packed lunches. He has suggested the food preparation facilitators (or, less likely, qualified cookery teachers) use the FAT card system to plan the syllabus. Pupils with a well heavy card will begin with Jamie's anchovy salad lesson and only move on to the soup with caraway croutons when they cross the threshold to heavy. Thin kids will begin with Jamie's Oh-all-right-then-Turkey-Twizzler lesson.
I have suggested to Ed Balls, the Schools Secretary, that he include the achievements of DietDoor(TM) schools in league tables. Why not make up for less-than-satisfactory GCSE results? Send now for our promotional video: Now You Can Shrink the Kids Too.
Fran Hill, Teacher at an independent school in London.