Worm, Inch - 19.06.09 - Futures Delivery Taskforce

19th June 2009 at 01:00

CHALLENGE. Memo from Recruitment, who are worried that a Pounds 10,000 bribe to teach at "challenging schools" may not be enough. Could we think outside the box on this one? By mid-morning, we've developed a new strategy. Focus on the schools, not the money. Make them MORE challenging. Slogan: come and have a teach if you think you're hard enough.

FAITH. After tea and biscuits we all troop off to Conference Room B. The Department's creative types have been summoned to a mysterious video seminar hosted by ... who is that? His image fills the big screen as we file in. Oblivious, he performs warm-up facial exercises. God, he's so familiar. Oh, he was on the telly recently ... Piers Morgan? No, no: creepier. Hi, he says, my name's Tony Blair and I want to talk to you about Faith ... So begins a long-winded sermon about how some religious foundation with his name in the title is going to tackle global poverty, challenge conflict and unite the world's religions, no doubt building on his sterling work in those areas while he was prime minister. He should have a word with make-up, says Caz. This isn't a foundation, it's a concealer. We'd stay and listen to more sanctimonious bullshit but it's lunchtime and we've got to watch our blood sugar levels.

ARNIE. Still getting fallout from Governor Schwarzenegger's call for textbooks to be replaced by internet teaching aids. Team Gove are big fans of the Terminator, so we're officially rebadging the idea "cyber-bullying".

RAINBOW. The new children's minister ("Call Me Dawn") wants a radical shake-up. There's no money, so what she'll actually get is a tweak to the website. Content Delivery are already in a panic, as she noticed the rainbow on the department's homepage and asked what it meant. Nobody knows. Maybe it's supposed to symbolise diversity. Perhaps it's promising sunshine after the rain. But wait, here's an image of the rainbow "under construction". There are cranes and scaffolding and helicopters. Elsewhere on the site, bits of rainbow are being transported by children. Why? Because, explains Sandra, they're helping to build the rainbow. It's THEIR RAINBOW. Surely not. Children, whether real or in cartoon form, cannot be engaged by the state in the procurement and construction of rainbows. Think of the insurance implications. One of the cartoon children's got his bit of rainbow balanced on a skateboard. Another's clutching his while riding a BIKE. Without a HELMET. No, the rainbow's got to go, before someone gets sued.

DOODLES. Typical. The Children's Laureate calls for schools to encourage doodling and already there's an illegal doodle-sharing download service. "Plagiarism's easier than ever with Googledoodle ... ". Ridiculous. Sounds like our water cooler. Inchworm.

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