Worm, Inch - Futures delivery taskforce

15th January 2010 at 00:00

POLICY BRUTALITY: A rallying memo from Policy. "The first rule of Departmental Policy is you do not talk about Departmental Policy. As of now, there is no such thing as Departmental Policy. Honesty is NOT the best policy. Attack is the best form of policy. Education IS a political football. If a Conservative approaches the football, bring them down with a dangerous tackle. Don't worry, the referee's on our side, LOL." Still, a suspension of critical thinking in favour of the War On Gove means Sandra and I should be able to freewheel the rest of our time here. Easy does it - that's our policy.

BOARD GAME: Departmental Head Of Intelligence Stephen has convened an emergency meeting. He's looking very cross and bald, and jabs at the projection screen with a big pointy stick. "See him, eh?" he growls at a picture of The Gove. "Can any of you USELESS TOSSERS tell me what the link is between wee timorous quiverin' beastie here and THIS guy?" A picture of Billy Bunter appears on the screen. Silence. Eventually Sandra raises her hand, uncertainly. "Is it something to do with eating disorders?" Departmental Head Of Intelligence Stephen shoots her a look of teeth-clenching exasperation. No, it is not. "Boarding schools, idiot! The Tories want to create loads of state-sponsored Hogwarts. Apparently it costs 10 times more to keep kids in care than to have them fagging and punting and hosting teddy bears picnics or whatever; don't ask me I went to the local comprehensive! Grr! We need to trump this bullshit NOW!"

RELOCATION RELOCATION: I'm on my own with this one, as Sandra's in a grump about being called an idiot. The idiot. While she wanders off self-righteously to read her Marie Claire, I start a personal thinkathon. Boarding schools. Care homes. Youth Offender Institutions. Holiday camps. Bed and breakfast establishments. Boutique hotels. Prisons. If I can just swap things round a bit AND save even more money than The Gove, we're golden.

LIFE SWAP: Hmm. Maybe move the school boarders into the boutique hotels, get a discount for a block booking. Non-violent prisoners move into bed and breakfast. Those seeking a boutique hotel experience can have the prison places. Youth offenders into boarding schools. Care homes and holiday camps swap. Oh God, this won't work: nobody wants BB in a Youth Offender Institution, however big the portions.

HOMECARE: Sandra chimes in, just as Departmental Head Of Intelligence Stephen turns up. "Just say that everyone living at home is technically in care AND boarding - we'd be saving a fortune overnight. Increase school security, and then you'd have care schools and boarding homes!" Suddenly she's not an idiot, she's a bloody "genius". Bah. Inchworm.

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