WHO AM I? (celebrities) 1 Whose magical powers failed to detect problems at school?

2 Which TV vicar is on the fast track?

3 Who said said they hadn’t done well at school, failed their A-levels, and, unable to go on to university, went to teacher training?

4 Who got no satisfaction as a pupil?

5 And who still has the outfits she wore as Scheherazade at school?

WHO AM I? (in education) 6 I made a flying visit to my old school in Rochdale, and then offered pound;100,000 to help it get specialist college status.

7 I bought an alarm clock for one of my pupils who was habitually late.

8 I left school at 15 with no qualifications, became a brickie and am now checking the foundations of college success.

WHERE AM I?

9 Where is David Bromfield, a south London science teacher, destined to have a wider audience than in the classroom and how?

10 Where did Teresa Heys, a primary school teacher for more than 20 years, go after giving up teaching for a Rolls-Royce career?

11 Where was Renate Williams, the drama teacher who admitted skinny-dipping in front of pupils while drunk, last heard of teaching?

CURRICULUM 2000?

12 How many train drivers - out of a workforce of 15,000 - have been awarded an NVQ tempered to their craft in the past four years - 2, 24, 240, 2,400?

13 Which degree subjects did former chief inspector Chris Woodhead describe as “vacuous”?

14 Which GCSE courses - axed by the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority - gained high-profile support from the Prince of Wales and deputy prime minister John Prescott?

YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP 15 What was the star prize at a fund-raising auction organised by Hamilton county primary in Colchester, Essex? A free vasectomy, a night out with the headteacher, or new sports equipment?

16 Which website was ruled out of bounds to students studying trade unions because it represented “activist groups” and “promoted change, or attempted to influence opinion” - the TUC, the Socialist Workers Party, or the National Union of Teachers?

17 Whose books were condemned as “ungodly” by Carol Rookwood, head of St Mary’s Island CoE primary, Chatham, Kent?

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN 18 What did sceptical teachers in David Blunkett’s home town of Sheffield dub the General Teaching Council?

19 Who brought a new meaning to the phrase “special measures”?

20 Which council won a Golden Bull for gobbledygook from the Plain English Campaign, after claiming a scheme to give excluded hildren go-karting lessons was “catering for holistic diversionary provision...”

FIGURE IT OUT 21 How much do you need to buy the website dfee.com?

22 How many teachers were secondary schools short of at the start of the academic year?

23 How much did the National Union of Teachers spend on court action fighting performance-related pay?

AND FINALLY...

24 Where were you on that historic day when Chris Woodhead resigned?

Answers

1(b) Jonathan Creek star Alan Davies, picked on at school, who fronted the Government launch of a new anti-bullying pack.

2(l) Comedienne Dawn French, aka the Vicar of Dibley, who is promoting the Government’s fast track scheme for teachers.

3(a) Estelle Morris, school standards minister 4(c) Mick Jagger, who told The TES that it was a cliche that schooldays are the happiest of your life.

5(j) TV presenter Anthea Turner, who keeps them in a dressing-up box for her husband’s daughters.

6(e) Millionaire computer businessman and education philanthropist, Peter Ogden, who arrived by helicopter.

7(f) Lady Marie Stubbs, head of St George’s school, north-west London.

8(h) Stephen Grix, who is in charge of OFSTED’s post-16 inspections.

9(k) He is to present Tomorrow’s World.

10(i) The former deputy head of St Mary’s school, Bicester, left for a life on the road as a chauffeur.

11(m) An Egyptian convent 12 24 13 Golf course management and media studies.

14 Agriculture and horticulture, nautical studies 15 A free vasectomy 16 The TUC 17 JK Rowling’s Harry Potter series. Mrs Rookwood claimed the existence of wizards and demons was too real and claimed the Bible said we must have nothing to do with them.

18 The Gullible Teachers’ Club.

19(n) Headteacher Nigel Jepson in his saucy new novel about the relationship between an inspector and a female head who saves a failing school. The HMI used a ruler naming the kings and queens of England to calibrate his hero’s manhood.

20 Luton.

21 A mere $60,000 was the asking price in April. The official DFEE website, however, can be found at www.dfee.gov.uk 22 More than 4,000 according to a TESSecondary Heads Association survey, about 1,000 according to a DFEE survey. The House of Commons library, meanwhile, claims Britain will be short of around 31,000 teachers by 2004.

23(g) “Very little”, according to Graham Clayton, the union’s lawyer - because the judge ordered costs on all but one point the NUT was arguing. Total costs on both sides were about pound;30,000.

24(d) Nobody would forget an event like that so you must be right.