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Tommy Two Gags

First off, there was Two Jags Prescott. Now we can exclusively announce Two Gags Sheridan. Tommy of that ilk, the country's most erudite redistributor of wealth, took time out to address the National Association of Schoolmasters Union of Women Teachers at its Scottish conference in Peebles - after dinner.

Only Sheridan nearly missed his sumptuous banquet through faulty geography.

Spying the conference was in Peebles, the MSP duly turned up at the Hydro Hotel where he bumped into - "Hello, hello" - the police superintendents enjoying their conference. How apt, you might think.

Two Gags later confessed he addressed the polis in 2002 at the Hydro on his favoured theme of legalising and licensing drugs. "It was the first time in a long time when I stood up that they did not stand up as well," quipped the ex-con. (Gag 1) The non-smoker, non-drinker then shot down the road to nearby Cardrona to be with the NASUWT to deliver a lecture on his favourite theme to the chink of delegates' wine glasses. The demons of drink and drugs got it in the neck. That said, many have often remarked of the NASUWT: "They must be on something?"

The new spokesman for the Scottish Temperance Society laid into the dangers of alcohol as delegates hurriedly swapped wine for water in a reversal of the biblical allegory. Sheridan wound up, apologising for his "sombre"

address: "If I stop you from consuming too much tonight, it will all have been worth while." (Gag 2) As he swept out of the hall and back to the once city of culture, the organisers set up the conference raffle. First prize? A bottle of wine - to a Glasgow delegate.

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