a Twice daily gridlock as thousands of irresponsible cyclists all take to the roads at once

b A steep rise in the number of bike sheds, followed by a steep rise in smoking, drug-taking and teen pregnancies

c A steep rise in ridiculously expensive designer bikes

d Children will arrive at school too knackered to learn anything

2 Employers say the nation faces chaos unless schooling improves. What do teachers say?

a The nation faces chaos unless employers improve

b As opposed to what?

c Fat chance. They’re all behind the bike sheds

d Come over here and say that

3 Soft-drinks manufacturers say they will stop targeting children. What will be next?

a Oil companies will stop targeting drivers

b The Department for Education will stop targeting absolutely everything

c Employers will stop moaning about school leavers

d Prince Charles will have an idea, and not share it with us

4 Vultures are disappearing from India. Why?

a They’ve stopped targeting dead cows

b They’ve come to cluster round the Liberal Democrats

c They’ve come to cluster round the bike sheds d Without Prince Charles to guide them they have all become obese and too knackered to eat anythiing

5 The Children’s tsar says children should take more risks. What should they do?

a Cheat in exams

b Go to India and lie very very still

c Go to school and lie very very still

d Go to school by bike

ANSWERS: 1b, 2d, 3a, 4a, 5d